Embracing Life
Get To vs. Have To
How much of your day do you spend doing things you have to do as opposed to the things you get to do?
A teacher new to the school where I work clearly spends her life getting to do the things important to her. She taught me an invaluable lesson that had nothing to do with her classroom subject certification.
The day of my awakening began like every other. Employees reported to work and began their ordinary routines. By midday, the tension was thick in the teachers' lounge. Faculty and staff rushed to gulp down their brown-bagged meals. Our 30-minute break abruptly ended by the bell and a co-worker's nonchalant negative comment, "I have to go back to work."Ms. C smiled and said, "I get to go teach my students."
As folks quickly gathered their belongings, most mumbled retorts such as, "overworked, underpaid, unappreciated and not enough hours in the day."
I walked away in silence, deeply pondering her simple statement. For several subsequent months, I made mental notes of which duties fell in to my Have To or Get To lists. By focusing on my goals, rather than plunging blindly into my hectic schedule, I became conscious of the essential daily deeds I must complete to maintain the lifestyle I desire. Once I meet those fundamental requirements, all other commitments are voluntary.
Why then do I feel enormous pressure to check off so many non-life threatening items from my Get To list? What drives me to accept so many challenges? Those questions were not easy to answer, but Ms. C's comment helped me conclude that I am an obsessive overachiever and perfectionist.
It was difficult to admit, but definitely true. Power and possessions, the goals of many extremists, do not motivate me. My craving is different. I measure personal accomplishments by counting the amount of people who need my assistance and the number of projects I can complete on any given day. I am the master of multi-tasking and it gives me an exaggerated feeling of self-importance.
A trusted professional identified my pathetic passion many years ago, but I never completely understood the depths of my sacrificial victim status. Three decades ago, a therapist diagnosed me as a 'textbook case' enabler (created by my childhood circumstances). She suggested I recognize my weakness and not become a lifelong martyr. Until recently, I had forgotten her vital advice.
A church workshop helped me to recall the counselor's recommendation, buried in the depths of my memory bank. Our minister asked, "Is it easier to give or receive love?"
An emotional discussion ensued regarding relationships. Even though love should be the easiest of God's gifts to share, everyone's feelings and opinions were different. The session helped me realize that I equate giving love with the length of my To Do list. My addiction feeds on constantly proving my dedication to family, friends and co-workers by serving their needs.
I left the seminar enlightened and overwhelmed. Yet, by discovering my somewhat distorted definition of love, I began developing a plan to embrace a less-stressful life.
Rick Warren, author of "Purpose Driven Connection," states, "If you're a perfectionist, your favorite phrase is, "I should ... I must ... I ought ... I have to. You're always doing more. If you're an average person, you have three things on your daily 'To Do' list. You get one of them done, you leave one of them unfinished, and the third one you just forget about. You go home, put your feet up at night, and feel good about yourself. If you're a perfectionist, you have 29 things on your daily 'To Do' list. You finish 28 of them and you go home and feel like a failure!"
The Bible says in Psalms 119:96, "Even perfection has its limits, but [God's] commands have no limit."
If God does not demand flawlessness, I should be easier on myself. Moreover, I must learn how to reclassify my gifts of time or support. Those undertakings should not be on my Have To list. When I have the spiritual ability to move them to my Get To list, the obligations will be opportunities, rather than drudgework. §
Donna Bonnell is a freelance writer who moved to Newberry in 1983. She enjoys living and working in the town she now calls home. Donna@towerpublications.com
