Going Deep
December is all about giving gifts. And you know what? Athletes are people, too.
During the past year, the sports world has been filled with the nice, naughty and — on occasion — the undeserving. But I am a lenient Santa Claus, and I think everybody deserves a gift under their tree each Christmas.Here are the people in sports who most need stocking stuffers this year:
Tim Tebow – This Christmas, I would like to give Tebow a new left shoulder. His old one is obviously used up. Week-by-week he uses it to plow through oversized linebackers on fourth-and-one instead of sliding to avoid contact like Chris Leak used to do. With a new shoulder, Tebow will be ready to climb the Gators up the BCS rankings and make another run at a Heisman Trophy next year.
Barry Bonds – Yes, even people who cheat their way through their jobs deserve gifts on Christmas. I want to give Bonds a Flintstones vitamin, because that is the only performance-enhancing supplement he will be able to take from now on …especially in jail.
Bill Belichick – I want to cheer Bill up this year. The caveman New England Patriots coach is super successful, yet incredibly grumpy on the sidelines. Besides, what does success mean if you can’t even enjoy it? I am tired of him running up the score or barely shaking coaches’ hands after games because he is in a foul mood. They say it’s the thought that counts most when it comes to gift-giving, so this holiday season, I want to give Bill a hug. He sure needs one.
Miami Dolphins – There is no doubt the Dolphins have been bad this season. Really bad. Historically bad. But as I said before, everyone deserves a gift. This Christmas, I’m going to give the Dolphins a copy of their schedule and highlight that the dreadful 2007 regular season ends Dec. 30. Hang in there Cam Cameron, it’s almost over.
Steve Spurrier – The Ol’ Ball Coach seemed to have the Gators’ number last season when he came to The Swamp and was a field goal away from beating an eventual-national-champion team. But this year, Spurrier lost again to the Gators, only this time it was not so pleasant — he got spanked 51-31 at South Carolina. This year, I want to help Spurrier out. I’m going to give him a plane ticket to the west coast so he can coach in the PAC-10 and not have to worry about facing the Gators every year in the Southeastern Conference.
Stephon Marbury – “Starbury,” as he likes to call himself, can’t seem to get along with anybody. Frankly, I don’t get it. He plays in his hometown, is one of the highest paid players in the game and is coached by one of the legends at his position. This Christmas, I want to give Marbury membership in a cake-decorating class. I think it’s obvious Stephon needs to find a new hobby that brings him happiness, because basketball never did. Ever since being drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves, having stops in Phoenix, New Jersey and even New York — where he’s brawled with Larry Brown and Isiah Thomas — he never seems to find joy.
Invest in another day job, Stephon. That would be a great way to start the new year.
Billy Donovan – Billy Boy had the entire city of Gainesville — and the country for that matter — in a whirlwind this summer when he took the Orlando Magic coaching job and then flip-flopped and came back to Florida shortly thereafter. Donovan seems to have it all: a great family, outstanding success as a basketball coach, the No. 1 recruiting class in the country and nice hair. So this Christmas, I will give Donovan a Magic 8 Ball. That way, he will never have to make another decision by himself.
Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal – Together they won three straight championships. Apart, Bryant hasn’t made it past the first round of the playoffs and Shaq — although he won a championship in 2006 — has looked slow and groggy. What these two really need is each other. Maybe it will give Shaq a new sense of life and give Kobe a chance to compete again. Isn’t Christmas all about bringing people together anyway?
Here’s to a great holiday to you and yours.